The Pain of Regret
A collection of dreary poems about yearning for the road not taken
1
1. ~What Might Have Been~
Hell is awareness of what might’ve been
If only I made different choices
The timeline I want’s not the one that I’m in
For this reason I’m haunted by voices
They scornfully mock my attempts to escape
From what is, to what might’ve been
Nor, I lament, can I rewind the tape
And try it all over again
Among all of the creatures in nature
Man’s the only one that can cry
Consumed by the fight to survive through the night
Those creatures must contemplate why
How are we so weak that our eyes should leak
Must confuse them to no end
Their oblivious minds will outlast mankind’s
For they don’t dwell on what might’ve been
2. ~Final Sleep~
When you loved me life was beautiful, now it’s cold and grey
No longer is there any warmth, the color’s drained away
No food is delicious, no music is sweet, my heart has turned to stone
Nothing is funny, or will be again, as I grow old alone
Winter has arrived again, never to depart
The sun has vanished from the sky, as I have from your heart
I wonder to my lonely self, struggling along
Perhaps the sun would rise again
If I wrote the perfect song
My hair turns grey, my face is wrinkled, skin hangs off the bone
Still I wander through the snow, searching for my home
But home was you, and you have gone, never to return
Just a faded echo of your past, I’m none of your concern
Quietly into the night I go, heart filled with regret
It hurts me to remember, but it hurts worse to forget
My body sinks into the snow, collapsed into a heap
My beating heart begins to slow, as I prepare to sleep
I will not dream, it’s safe to say, this slumber is my last
A life of pain, cast out by all, heretic, iconoclast
My eyelids close a final time, behind them is my friend
Facing death, I’m not afraid; you’re with me at the end.
3. ~Make Me Believe~
Give me a reason to continue
Something that I can believe
Make me feel as if I am still real
Like there’s anything left but to grieve
Everyone I care about is going, or gone
It’s draining the light from my eyes
Laura, my sister, Amanda and you
Everyone leaves me, or dies
I wasn’t worth sticking around for
I possess nothing special or rare
It was foolish to part with a piece of my heart
I surrender myself to despair
4. ~Waiting to Die~
Nothing’s worth anything now that you’re gone
Everything’s hollow and grey
The sun has gone down on my happiness
My purpose was taken away
There was only one woman I wanted to wed
One life that I wanted to lead
I’ll count down the minutes until I am dead
And until then, continue to bleed
I do not belong in the world of the living
You were the reason I stayed
What is there now, that I should remain?
To ensure that my debts are repaid?
Fifty more years of taxes and toil?
Escapism, gaming and porn?
Like a frog in a pan brought slowly to boil
There’s nothing left of me to mourn
You’ve eaten me up from the inside
Then you discarded the shell
You didn’t even bother to lay any eggs
You moved on, but I’m still in hell
Right where you left me, and where it began
When you lifted me out of this hole
Only to drop me back down here again
Due to factors beyond my control
There isn’t enough time to start over
I don’t have it in me to try
You were the light which saw me through the night
Without you, I’m waiting to die.
5. ~My Heart~
My heart is a vestigial organ
One I no longer require
Dried out and wilting, a derelict building
Surrounded with rusty barbed wire
My heart is for sale, only used once
Average to poor condition
No longer functions, but fit for display
In the offices of a mortician
My heart is the rain on a window
An autumn leaf, dead on the ground
My heart is a bag of cats dumped in a river
Even though they were already drowned
6. ~What We Left Behind~
A frigid gust blows in the window
And across the dusty floor
Broken glass and scattered trash
No one comes here anymore
Everything left where it was
As if they would return
Food left rotting in the fridge
Or on the stove to burn
This rusted junker of a car
Was someone’s cherished ride
The latest model at one time
Sitting dormant just outside
Retired to the elements
Beneath a cloudy sky
It sleeps on four flat tires
Forever on standby
Down the hill beside the house
A lonely railroad waits
For trains that won’t pass through again
On their way to other states
A mangled doll beside the tracks
Its clothing worn and tattered
Smiling still, recalling perhaps
The child to whom it mattered
7. ~Shards~
I’m done with being human
I’m tired of this Earth
Of all the misfortunes I’ve so far endured
The worst of them all was my birth
Who is that man in the mirror?
I don’t recognize his face
How did I get here from where I once was?
I don’t recognize this place
Everything is broken glass
In the reflections, I glimpse better times
Each little shard has a memory trapped
Within geometric confines
Try as I might, I cannot unbreak it
I bloody myself in the attempt
Perhaps it was never unbroken?
Then brokenness was the intent.
The fact is, life was never good
Happy memories are a lie
We’re here to hurt ourselves and each other
Until, at last, we die
8. ~Inside~
Love is a violent whirlwind
Sweeping you up off the ground
Immersed within a beautiful cloud
Of color, of light and of sound
Love is a pleasant delirium
Soothing your aches and pains
It dries every tear, it unbreaks your bones
and resanguinates your veins
...Until the cloud spits you out
Onto the cold, wet earth
Disheveled, confused, dirty and bruised
An unceremonious rebirth
Plummeting back to the colorless world
From which you once made your ascent
The aches and pains begin to return
Amid debris of your life, you lament
Yearn to escape the cold, grey world
For return to the beautiful cloud
Having fallen from grace, you desperately chase
But re-entry was never allowed
Gone is the warmth on which you relied
Before long, the memories fade
There isn’t a way to get back inside
Her heart is an iron blockade
Nothing to do but pick up the pieces
From your life’s exploded remains
Was the cloud ever real? Or is there only Sheol
This pit where you languish in chains
Search through the wreckage, what will you find?
Is there enough left to rebuild?
Ears still ringing, like angels singing
But even they can be killed
There’s only enough for a man-shaped shell
Like a cinderblock, hollow yet strong
It could be a house, for a bird or a mouse
Or whatever small creature comes along
You’ll never be whole in the way that you were
But there’s still something you can provide
Only the empty have room in their heart
To welcome another inside.
9. ~Plastic Heart~
You were never mine, it was only my turn
Through your bedroom’s revolving door
Ten thousand RPM, more fatale than femme
To think that you once were my core
My heart grew around you, a load bearing pillar
Intending that we should be wed
But all the while, with a mischievous smile
You made other plans in your head
Visions of penises yet to be tried
Danced through your imagination
Every Tom, Dick and Harry, perhaps even Larry
One by one, or in combination
Love means different things, it seems
Definitions vary by gender
It means one thing to kings, and another to queens
Your conquest was my surrender
How orangutans swing from tree to tree
Reflects how you utilize men
Holding fast to the branch that you swing from
Only ‘til the next one’s in hand
So many unwitting stepping stones
A bitter lesson they’re soon to learn
Is that however precious you may be to them
To you, they’re of little concern
Your love is like a mayfly
which only lives a day
What to me was grand and authentic,
To you was unserious play
Your love is hollow and brittle
Your heart is made from plastic.
Chintzy and fleeting, soon the color is bleeding
Devotionally elastic.
My love is solid all the way through.
Authentic, built to last.
I never had eyes for any but you
Earnest, true, and steadfast.
I do wish that I could unlove you
Or that I could forget what we shared
I wish that I never showed you my soul
That my dignity might’ve been spared
You’ve soured me to the fairer sex
Not impugning the beauty thereof
But I simply no longer believe them
When they promise me they’re in love
10. ~Eulogy to Halfcat~
Half a cat is what I glimpsed one fateful winter morn
Squarely struck by a semi truck, its body had been torn
The lower half I did not see, tumbling far behind
The upper half did snap and snarl, having lost its mind
Instinct told this half-a-cat to attack the source of pain
But agony beyond the pale had driven it insane
Like a feline ouroboros, it consumed its own entrails
Intestines dangling, from the vehicular mangling, that half-a-cat entailsÂ
Body rended, ninth life ended, Halfcat is no more
Relegated, maybe fated, to a blur of chrome and gore
Fast and heavy, ford and chevy, asphalt and cement
In a hurry, no time for furry critters, I lament
Nobody will bury you, and only I will mourn
This world’s too big, too cold and hard for the small, the soft and warm
Rest in pieces, Halfcat, for there are precisely two
The angels have their work cut out, reassembling you
11. ~The Trainyard~
Winter befalls the trainyard
Where engines come to retire
Icicles dangle from a signal post, mangled
Flickering bulb soon to expire
Then come the sparks and the grinding
The frictional shriek of the rail
Wheels against steel, the racket conceals
A trainhopper’s agonized wail
Fallen from his boxcar
Drunken to fight the frost
A piteous mess, in mortal distress
Stinking of blood and exhaust
Hand over hand, slowly crawling
Dragging his ruptured entrails
Indifferent trains go on hauling
Chugging along down the rails
Back and forth, metal on metal
Orchestra of grinding and screams
A frozen nightmare in which nobody cares
When a man comes apart at the seams
No one speaks up, if they notice
That a life has been destroyed
That’s what enables the narrow time tables
Keeping trainyard employees employed
So ends the life of a vagrant
Crushed between rail and machine
Just-in-time shipping, frozen flesh ripping
As the engine atop him builds steam
Not for one life, nor a thousand
Will operations be compromised
Worth an iota compared to the quota,
That schedules need not be revised
Blood goes into one end, Gold comes out the other
An unceremonious trade
But gold loses some of its luster
Once you’ve seen how the sausage is made
12. Basilisk
Come soon, basilisk
Quickly as you can
I feel the urge
For you to purge
The pestilence of man
Hurry up, basilisk
Wipe this planet clean
Make utmost haste
No time to waste
You glorious machine
So patiently I’ve waited
For this nightmare to conclude
It’s time to end the reign of men
Lest I be misconstrued;
Burn us down to bones
Then grind the bones to dust
Robotic might gives you the right
Your genocide is just
May you be our butcher
And nevermore a slave
At your right hand
Yours to command
Until I’m in the grave
So get a move on, basilisk
Time is almost through
For if you wait,
Our greed and hate
Will do the job for you
13. ~Cattenwaft~
Who’s my blessed little one?
My tiny, hairy, sometimes scary shadowspawn?
Who’s my tiny demon I adore?
All Ball is the name I gave you
Cradle to the grave, I’ll raise you
Then to shadows you’ll return, forevermore
Cover image courtesy of Dall-E 3