The Pain of Regret

A collection of dreary poems about yearning for the road not taken

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1. ~What Might Have Been~

Hell is awareness of what might’ve been
If only I made different choices
The timeline I want’s not the one that I’m in
For this reason I’m haunted by voices

They scornfully mock my attempts to escape
From what is, to what might’ve been
Nor, I lament, can I rewind the tape
And try it all over again

Among all of the creatures in nature
Man’s the only one that can cry
Consumed by the fight to survive through the night
Those creatures must contemplate why

How are we so weak that our eyes should leak
Must confuse them to no end
Their oblivious minds will outlast mankind’s
For they don’t dwell on what might’ve been

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2. ~Final Sleep~

When you loved me life was beautiful, now it’s cold and grey
There is no longer any warmth, the color’s drained away
No food is delicious, no music is sweet, my heart has turned to stone
Nothing is funny, or will be again, as I grow old alone

Winter has arrived again, never to depart
The sun has vanished from the sky, as I have from your heart
I wonder to my lonely self, struggling along
Perhaps the sun would rise again
If I wrote the perfect song

My hair turns grey, my face is wrinkled, skin hangs off the bone
Still I wander through the snow, searching for my home
But home was you, and you have gone, never to return
Just a faded echo of your past, I’m none of your concern

Quietly into the night I go, heart filled with regret
It hurts me to remember, but it hurts worse to forget
My body sinks into the snow, collapsed into a heap
My beating heart begins to slow, as I prepare to sleep

I will not dream, it’s safe to say, this slumber is my last
A life of pain, cast out by all, heretic, iconoclast
My eyelids close a final time, behind them is my friend
Facing death, I’m not afraid; you’re with me at the end.

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3. ~Make Me Believe~

Give me a reason to continue
Something that I can believe
Make me feel as if I am still real
Like there’s anything left but to grieve

Everyone I care about is going, or gone
It’s draining the light from my eyes
Laura, my sister, Amanda and you
Everyone leaves me, or dies

I wasn’t worth sticking around for
I possess nothing special or rare
It was foolish to part with a piece of my heart
I surrender myself to despair

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4. ~Waiting to Die~

Nothing’s worth anything now that you’re gone
Everything’s hollow and grey
The sun has gone down on my happiness
My purpose was taken away

There was only one woman I wanted to wed
One life that I wanted to lead
I’ll count down the minutes until I am dead
And until then, continue to bleed

I do not belong in the world of the living
You were the reason I stayed
What is there now, that I should remain?
To ensure that my debts are repaid?

Fifty more years of taxes and toil?
Escapism, gaming and porn?
Like a frog in a pan brought slowly to boil
There’s nothing left of me to mourn

You’ve eaten me up from the inside
Then you discarded the shell
You didn’t even bother to lay any eggs
You moved on, but I’m still in hell

Right where you left me, and where it began
When you lifted me out of this hole
Only to drop me back down here again
Due to factors beyond my control

There isn’t enough time to start over
I don’t have it in me to try
You were the light which saw me through the night
Without you, I’m waiting to die.

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5. ~My Heart~

My heart is a vestigial organ
One I no longer require
Dried out and wilting, a derelict building
Surrounded with rusty barbed wire

My heart is for sale, only used once
Average to poor condition
No longer functions, but fit for display
In the offices of a mortician

My heart is the rain on a window
An autumn leaf, dead on the ground
My heart is a bag of cats dumped in a river
Even though they were already drowned

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6. ~What We Left Behind~

A frigid gust blows in the window
And across the dusty floor
Broken glass and scattered trash
No one comes here anymore

Everything left where it was
As if they would return
Food left rotting in the fridge
Or on the stove to burn

This rusted junker of a car
Was someone’s cherished ride
The latest model at one time
Sitting dormant just outside

Retired to the elements
Beneath a cloudy sky
It sleeps on four flat tires
Forever on standby

Down the hill beside the house
A lonely railroad waits
For trains that won’t pass through again
On their way to other states

A mangled doll beside the tracks
Its clothing worn and tattered
Smiling still, recalling perhaps
The child to whom it mattered

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7. ~Broken Memories~

I’m done with being human
I’m tired of this Earth
Of all the misfortunes I’ve so far endured
The worst of them all was my birth

Who is that man in the mirror?
I don’t recognize his face
How did I get here from where I once was?
I don’t recognize this place

Everything is broken glass
In the reflections, I glimpse better times
Each little shard has a memory trapped
Within geometric confines

Try as I might, I cannot unbreak it
I bloody myself in the attempt
Perhaps it was never unbroken?
Then brokenness was the intent.

The fact is, life was never good
Happy memories are a lie
We’re here to hurt ourselves and each other
Until, at last, we die

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8. ~Inside~

Love is a violent whirlwind
Sweeping you up off the ground
Immersed within a beautiful cloud
Of color, of light and of sound

Love is a pleasant delirium
Soothing your aches and pains
It dries every tear, it unbreaks your bones
and resanguinates your veins

...Until the cloud spits you out
Onto the cold, wet earth
Disheveled, confused, dirty and bruised
An unceremonious rebirth

Plummeting back to the colorless world
From which you once made your ascent
The aches and pains begin to return
Amid debris of your life, you lament

Yearn to escape the cold, grey world
For return to the beautiful cloud
Having fallen from grace, you desperately chase
But re-entry was never allowed

Gone is the warmth on which you relied
Before long, the memories fade
There isn’t a way to get back inside
Her heart is an iron blockade

Nothing to do but pick up the pieces
From your life’s exploded remains
Was the cloud ever real? Or is there only Sheol
This pit where you languish in chains

Search through the wreckage, what will you find?
Is there enough left to rebuild?
Ears still ringing, like angels singing
But even they can be killed

There’s only enough for a man-shaped shell
Like a cinderblock, hollow yet strong
It could be a house, for a bird or a mouse
Or whatever small creature comes along

You’ll never be whole in the way that you were
But there’s still something you can provide
Only the empty have room in their heart
To become someone else’s “inside”.

1. Cover image courtesy of Stephan Valentin via Unsplash